Really, honestly, every single time it comes to the place where I am, right now, writing about ‘success’ and ‘metrics’ is that it is, ultimately, up to each of us to define what makes us feel good about our choices. Choosing our choices is a freedom we all have, and, if we’re lucky, we choose the choices we do because we know what is best for us. As defined by each of us. Individually.
We can talk about wins and we can talk about losses, but we can also talk about this space, that we each have, to make our own time and room to think critically about, ‘Who am I? What do I care about? Why does it matter? Who will I be able to help, knowing what I know about my gifts, talents, and strengths?’
Existential questions, to ask, ‘Was it a success? Was I?’
Who will cry, when I die? How will you use your gift of human life? These are questions posed by others who have walked the existential questioning path and said, ‘Yeah, like, what do I really want to do with my time.’ I think I also remember the one about, People won’t remember what you did, they’ll remember how you made them feel.
Where I am currently, southeast Asia, I’ve heard so many stories about people feeling pressure to conform to some rules about who they ought to be, or what they ought to do, in their lives. I can understand that. It’s everywhere, you’re in it, you’re surrounded by this idea that there is a goal, and that goal is pretty much the same goal as your neighbor’s, and so, it makes sense that you want to go and get ‘it’.
Guessing, I imagine it might go something like this. You don’t question this, usually, or if you do, you quickly try to distract yourself, or move away from the discomfort of it, if it’s not aligning with some gut feeling, or some inkling that deep down, you know, this isn’t for you. I mean, I’ve seen this a lot. So, sure. I understand it. Probably would have done the same, to be honest, had I not experienced an event that hit close to home very early in life (Kismuth Books / 2015) that made me really question the idea of doing anything in a life besides what I know I want to do, and just those things. This single event probably did it. Made me go off the rails.
Towards becoming who you are
I know it’s been a choice to do that, and it’s not easy to go against the grain. So many people want to talk you out of it, honestly. Then they go, ‘Why are you getting to do that?’ It’s comical now, how predictable this is. How they’ll try to diminish your effort to opt out, break out, and become yourself. For those who criticize and judge, I guess, they have to feel good about themselves or something. After all, it’s so easy to throw words around and belittle others, as it takes more energy and effort, and introspection, and these are hard to do, to uplift yourself. I know very few people who have done this successfully; I look up to them, immensely.
People you think have your back, and stuff, you find out, well. It’s not me alone, it’s many of us, and some of us talk together about it, because over the years we have formed our own knitted community, a community of diverse perspectives because ‘differently-minded’ is important to me, to invite to the conversations. I know. It’s very esoteric and abstract. You go to 27 countries over that many years and gain and learn and drop and morph and you know, it’s hard to keep track of all the threads. You throw out whole chapters of beliefs, at times, if you’re in solitude (Kismuth Books / 2022) and you are lucky. It’s a good thing. We evolve, this way. We grow.
Here is a TED talk, ‘A kinder, gentler philosophy of success,’ for those who might be giving themselves a really high bar for what one needs to ‘achieve’ in life in order to feel successful.
Growth and the role of introspection
I’ve noticed that instead of sitting down and thinking through all this, most of the people I have met or worked with in my life, I’ll say 99 out of 100, would rather simply not be bothered. Because it’s hard. It’s also, at least in American culture, more popular to complain about things than it is to celebrate our wins in a way that is, you know, quietly unannounced.
Turns out it isn’t just me thinking this way. I had a great time interviewing SV last year around this time, I believe it was, because it came up. All this stuff. Listen to it here:
Success, and Wins, are the topics ahead in S P A C E
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